Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
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Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine