As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
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I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
i wish i could marry a nap
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
yeah no that’s fair
Just grow your own
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.