My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
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I only look at Wordle for the articles
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
This will never not be funny to me.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?