Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
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[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.