I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
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I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Awesome parenting 😂
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?