“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
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NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face