Cherry seeds are just the pits.
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My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
It’s an epidemic…
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
Phonetics
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?