I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
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Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone