dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
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I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.