My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
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Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?