Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
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Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
damn he’s good
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher