“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
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If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
*adds resume embellisher to resume*