The cats activated the rainbow portal again
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I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.