only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
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My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Doctors texting each other.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that