John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
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I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Oh hi lol
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
This is I, Robot all over again
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview