Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
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*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed