Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
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Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.