[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
You Might Also Like
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
I’m dying louder than usual today.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Y’all know who you are.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest