Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
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So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Best mom ever 😂
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Check out the legs on this baby
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No