me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
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This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
My new favorite headline
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?