The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
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I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will