7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
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One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then