[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
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Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Oh hi lol
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks