ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
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Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
my lower back watching me try to live my life
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out