I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
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Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
what are they serving at kfc then???