My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
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If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.