Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
You Might Also Like
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
I saw this ending much differently.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac