Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
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Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?