Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
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Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
me
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”