Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
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I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird