They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
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FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”