When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
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If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.