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I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Room with a view.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Truth
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.