[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
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me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
How to wake up a Beagle
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.