fixed it
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[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
me when i see my girls butt
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me