A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
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So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”