Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
You Might Also Like
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
pls suprot
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still