Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
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[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*