Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
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Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that