when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
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[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no