Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
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If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Oh boy, $150,000!
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me