[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
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I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
I love you…
…r dog.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet