Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
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[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
(Gaming support cat.)
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you