People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
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cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Brother?
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.