I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
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[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
good work, everybody
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
Feels like there should be a middle ground
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.