My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
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Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*