Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
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FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
When you’re Kinky but poor
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.