In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
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when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.