don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
You Might Also Like
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
I gave up going to work for lent.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way