When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
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I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.